Instantly 20 years older.

I know in my last post I promised to share the details of the much anticipated engagement story (I need to stop doing that. Promising future posts is hard to keep up with!). But in the past week, life has happened in such a way that I cannot pretend everything is rosy and wonderful when in reality, something happened so out of my realm of expertise, I hardly know how to move forward.

To those of you who might be panicking that the engagement is off, relax. That is not the case whatsoever. The GC and I are great. In fact, the events of the last week have, if anything, brought us closer. This is an event surrounding teenagers. Dumb ones.

As I have mentioned in the past, GC has an adopted son (whom I refer to as Caesar). He recently turned 17 and as you might expect, thinks he not only knows everything, but is a full-fledged, you can't tell me what to do, the world revolves around me, "adult".

Well, without going into specifics, Caesar blew it, big time. And as a result, in the past week my role as a supporting, mediating fiance to GC and friend to Caesar, has shifted into a very parental role, and not the happy kind of parental role, but the kind you hope and pray you never have to fill.

I sat across the table from a 15 and 17 year old and expressed such deep levels of disappointment, I surprised even myself. No longer could I be the compromising, negotiating and pacifying person I usually strive to be. Instead I had to be cold and uncompromising. Things I never thought I would say, as a parent, and much less as a 25 year old, passed my lips without regret. A breech of trust occurred to such an extent, that the GC and I are now forced to fill Caesar's time, his privilege to stay home alone lost. His time will be accounted for, and he will be required to treat GC and I with the respect we have always deserved, but have never been given. The free ride is over, and Caesar has earned every bit of it. This is his last chance.

I know many of you reading this blog don't know me personally, but for those of you who do, I hope my actions and relationships with each of you thus far have shown that I would never resort to such extreme measures without just cause. It may sound severe, but trust me, I have fought not to take this path. I come from the camps of "He's only 17 and you can't expect him to behave as an adult." and "Don't be too hard on him, he comes from a rough past where those that should have loved him didn't."

The last 18 months however, have demonstrated a slow downward progression of Caesar's behavior and regard for the feelings of those around him, especially those that care for him most. GC especially has borne the brunt of this ill will. I wished and rationalized Caesar's behavior away. I at times, even blamed GC for how things were transpiring, not wanting to believe Caesar could be so callous and overtly disrespectful. The last 7 days have shown however, just how little respect he does have for GC, and in addition, the recklessness of his behavior, with immature "solutions" at best to its potential consequences.

Both before and after this event occurred, I cried. First out of heartbreak for the potential consequences of Caesar's decisions and actions, and then for myself, because what the hell do I know about any of this! I'm 25, I have no kids of my own, let alone the privilege of having raised those kids from birth. I've been on the scene a brief 18 months, and now I am having to impress upon them the seriousness of their very adult decisions. In the last week, I feel as though I have aged considerably, I am a 25 year old dealing with middle aged problems. But because GC and I are the adults, we now have to behave that way. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

It may sound crazy, but I take pride in the fact that GC and I are strong enough to do this, particularly when the people who should have been having this talk with their son, namely Caesar's real parents, couldn't be bothered. It's what responsible parents do, even when ignoring the issue is easier. They care about their kids enough to not always be nice and accommodating each of their child's whims. They draw the line in the sand of expected behavior and do their best to enforce it. That's what we're doing. Honestly, despite the pain it has caused each of us in different ways, our relationship is stronger for it.

Casear might completely disregard all the things GC and I have ever said to him, that's his choice. But I will go to bed at night knowing I did everything I knew to do to teach him how to be an adult, how to be truly responsible for his actions and their consequences, and how to be a man in the face of those consequences.

Despite what Caesar might think, I am not an evil dictator on a power trip over two teenagers. When the proverbial s%&t hit the fan, I made it clear I did not think he or his friend were bad people. In fact, I told them reason I cried was for what they could be throwing away. I cried because I do care for both of them very much and that I think they are good, smart people. That was the reason their recent escapades were so heartbreaking. That fact however, does not mean I have to support the poor decisions they are knowingly making. I can and will do everything in my power to prevent their behavior from continuing, so they might as well get used to it. The party is over.

There's no place to begin but here.

I'm getting married! Yup, that's right, married. The GC asked, and through bottom-of-my-heart tears, I said yes. :)

I'll get to how it all went down in my next post (I've got to give it to the guy, "he done good!"), but I think, given how hopeless I thought my love life to be 18 months ago, it's only right to touch on just how quickly the tides of life can shift.

18 months ago, I hadn't even met GC. I had no idea that 4 blocks from my apartment lived a man that in a little over a year, would ask me to be his wife. Instead, I was "just looking" on match.com, and had been for a couple of months. As I think anyone out of college in their mid-twenties will tell you, it's hard to meet people out in the real world. So, I turned to an online watering hole to find true love. Ultimately, match.com is the place where GC and I would cross paths.

18 months ago also marked a shift in my thought process. The only thing I can say about my mental state at the time, is that though I sometimes felt alone, somewhere along the way I began to recognize that even without a man to hold me, life was pretty good. Instead of moping, I began to focus my attention on finding meaning in life and love, and sought comfort in places besides a romantic relationship.

I became less obsessed with finding the guy, and more aware of "becoming the girl", meaning I focused on finding happiness on my own terms, on discovering what made me confident and secure in who I was. Was I someone a guy would want to date? Probably not if I thought he could fix all my problems. So I became happy, for no one but myself. It was a choice. I'd be lying if I said I was happy every day. There were certainly times when life really stunk it up, but for the most part, my days were good, my relationships solid, and my mental state positive.

Each day I tried to do things that brought joy into my life. I spent time with my little from Big Brothers Big Sisters. I exercised. I started writing this blog. I spent time with my roommate. I hung out with my dad. I worked hard on a small business. All these things brought me to a better place, a place where, sure, I may not have met the man of my dreams yet, but you know what, it's ok. I'm still Trina, and life is still good.

It was in this time that I met GC (for those of you who don't know, that means, my "gentleman caller". And you know what, I got lucky. I got lucky because he was the type of guy who wouldn't rush me into things I wasn't ready for, he didn't laugh at me when I told him he was the first guy to ever really kiss me, he didn't judge me for making a ninny of myself on numerous occasions, and most importantly, he handled (and continues to handle) my extremely sensitive and often naive heart with the gentlest of hands.

I've shared some of our early dating stories here in the past, and there are many more that I have left out either intentionally (to protect the innocent, of course) or neglected to write about in my several month long hiatus, but I can tell you now, it's the tip of the iceberg. To explain how it all happened is hard other than to say it seems as though the GC was always there, waiting for me to find him. The path each of us had to follow to get to one another meandered through vastly different peaks and valleys, but for some reason, we got lucky in the crossing.

Since that time, I struggle to remember how I felt before I met GC. I know many of you will say, "these feelings will fade, your love will change, it won't be as heightened, but of a more sedate and lasting rhythm." Perhaps you're right, but it doesn't seem heightened to me now, it seems steady, and true. I'm not one prone to the extreme highs and lows of emotion. I feel very deeply, but those feelings are come to gradually and with what some might call, over-zealous contemplation. I know things will change, and life will present us with challenges we cannot yet imagine, but I hope the traits that have defined our relationship to date will continue to bolster our spirits as we face the more harsh realities of life.

All I can say, is that I am so happy to have found the GC, and very glad to have met him when I did. I was ready to be the kind of person he needed, confident and secure in who I was, apart from his love. His love makes everything a little brighter, but if he had known me two years ago, there's a good chance he would have run for the hills because there's no love that can shine bright enough to compensate for a black hole of insecurity! Now, I'm happy to say our paths will follow a course of the same making, our making and I've got a feeling it's going to be a great ride. :)

I'm back.

A blog is a lot like a friend. It helps you reflect when you're struggling to find clarity, it's always there when you need to vent, and sometimes, when you haven't talked in a while, the longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to call. And then you wait longer because you don't know where to begin, or what excuse to make for not staying in touch. It's a terrible feeling. But what's worse, is that like any good friend, it won't matter how long it's been, you can call anytime, and just pick up where you left off.

That's where I've been with this blog, not knowing where or how to begin. There have been many, MANY times in the last several months that I've wanted to write. I've started numerous drafts, but for some reason, they have never felt good enough. After being away for so long, the first post back should be magical and somehow effectively recap the last 6 months in concise and witty prose.

It's gotten to the point however, that pride aside, I just want to be writing again! So here I am. No recaps in this post, just a starting point. There will be lots of posts head to flesh out the last 6 (great) months of life and all the exciting things to come. But for now, this is it. I'm back :)

It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now...

Thanks Celine... you don't know how perfectly those words matched the sentiment I felt this past Friday upon taking in my first high school footfall game in, oh, about 7 years.

Caesar, GC's son plays for the local varsity football team as a running back. Unfortunately he injured his ankle in pre-season and can't play at the moment, but that doesn't mean GC and I can't go out and support. And support we did.

I don't quite know how to explain all the emotions that rushed back as I took in the game from my bleacher seats, the students and teachers, the high school drama, oh, and the bodies running into each other on the 50 yard line. It was as if I had transported myself back in time to 1999 and was seeing the field through my 16 year old eyes and feeling all the emotions that came with being hormone-ridden, 20 pounds heavier, and not quiet as confident as I would have liked.

Contrary to what the above might elude, despite my inner confidence issues, high school was not a terrible experience for me. In fact, I had a good group of friends, was active in a lot of different sports and clubs, and though I never felt "popular" I imagine from the outside looking in, it appeared as though I had a pretty easy road through the trials and tribulations of high school, even if I never achieved the coveted role of the high school elite.

My friends and I had a lot of fun over our four years. We shared classes and experiences, I threw some great dinner parties, and we had a lot of boy/girl group hangout sessions (strangely reminiscent at times of a middle school dance, boys on one side of the room, girls on the other). Long story short, we formed a tight group. Many of those friends and I still keep in touch, if not with the intensity of high school, at least in a friendly catch up with one another when we happen to be in the same city sort of way.

But even with the relatively easy go of it I had compared to some high school students, I still suffered the same internal battles; wondering if I would ever be cool, if I was pretty enough, or good enough for the boy of my dreams, if I would get into college; and I was equally impacted by the external world of high school; the who's dating who, the drama of young relationships, and the urgency of living. Even then I recognized a football game served as the quintessential melting pot for all of these internal and external dynamics and perceptions. But since the days when I was a part of it, I guess I never really thought about how profoundly it had impacted me.

I was onto the next step, and apart from a lingering crush, I kind of left high school in the dust. I moved onto bigger and better things and in the course of my four years at college I changed immensely, as most people do. What I realized upon returning to high school this past weekend however, was that none of those feelings were ever really dealt with, only moved past.

So when the flood of feelings surrounded me again, the wondering if I fit in, the awareness that this was a place to be and be seen and the fear that what people were seeing in me wasn't good enough, it was all very fresh and very real. The only difference this time, was that I had gained the confidence I lacked in high school and somewhere along the way, realized that I was doing ok, and in fact, that I had a lot of great things going for me. As the game went on, a shift occurred and I began to see this game anew, this time, with my adult eyes. I could still recognize the dynamics happening all around me, and I could sense the importance of these events to the students now experiencing them. These happenings were defining moments in their lives. Their characters were being built and their social awareness formed. But in retrospect, I know now that some of those students will always be high schoolers, their maturity never evolving beyond the "who's dating who" and the the childish drama. Others however, will move on, just as I did, and recognize years later, that though the football games and the boy you had a killer crush on seemed like the end all be all, in actuality, those things were just a small parts of a much larger picture. The picture of who you are as defined by the decisions and sacrifices of self you make or don't make.

Some of the wounds you suffer in high school might never heal fully, but you'll learn from them, and hopefully, when you do one day go back and visit high school again, you'll be enough changed to realize you were always on the right track, even if it didn't feel like it at the time. And you know what, I think my track is moving along just fine.

Summer lovin'

This summer has been awesome. And by awesome, I mean so chock full of the GC, traveling, friends, and new, exciting, life-altering plans, I don't quite know where to begin. I know I know... my last post was beyond melancholy. But I have since come back to earth and now realize there are a ton of things I can write about! Case and point, all the fun stuff I have done lately.

For a brief recap, here are the things that are more than worth mentioning from this summer.

The GC and I were given the awesome opportunity to attend a Dave Matthews concert as
VIP concert goers thanks to our friends the Tramps and their friends at The Sagamore.

For a little background, my concert experiences thus far have been from the comfort of a blanket spread across a green expanse until the crowd inevitably tramples the blanket, quickly followed by everyone standing up and getting pretty drunk and/or high. For those of you who don't attend concerts regularly, this means I am almost always sporting lawn seats for concerts. Plain and simple, they're cheaper. So when two VIP tickets were laid in my lap, free o' charge, I was like a kid in a candy store (oh who am I kidding, I was like Trina, my 24 year old self in a candy store). We were directed away from the crowds to our exclusive VIP parking lot with a private on-property entrance, we were wined and dined at the Live Nation Hospitality tent, and then we were escorted to our BOX SEATS where we watched one of the best concerts I have ever seen. Dave played the old stuff I love and new stuff that had me leaving with the idea to buy some new Dave Matthews CD's. Suffice to say to say, it is an experience I won't soon forget.



Shortly thereafter, I also attended my first-ever "fundraiser" with attendees of the "we have more money than we know what to do with" sort. The GC's family business provides food to the school the event was benefiting and thus we were provided tickets. I got to dress up, drink Gin and Tonics, rub elbows with a few Americans who are feeling the great effect of the Bush tax cuts. Pair all that with some awesome food, and really, what could be better?

Now, after some serious elbow rubbing , I also made it to my family camp in Massachusetts not once, not twice, but THREE times this summer. Once with only the GC and I (ooo la la), again with the fam, and for the third time, with my co-workers as a company retreat. To say that it is one of my favorite places to be is an understatement. Just ask anyone who makes the mistake of asking me about it... I could blabber on FOR-EV-ER, in the best way possible of course :)

S0 combine all that with a few visits to the Saratoga Racetrack...





a Yankees vs. Red Sox Game...





a Mets vs. Astros game...



... not to mention the nights out with friends, seeing BOTH my sisters, having my mom visit, and some great dinners out, I don't have many complaints. It has truly been a summer to remember. Stay tuned for updates on the "new, exciting, life-altering plans" Trinabags is moving on up!

Tricky, very tricky

So after another month of silence, I have finally decided what I want to write about; all the things I can't write about. It seems to be the trend lately that bloggers across the country have fallen victim to, the blessing and the curse that are our readers. For the record, I love when people read my blog, and I love it even more when they post comments. What I have been struggling with lately however, is all the many many things I wish I could post on this blog, and all the reasons I can't share a damn bit of it.

There are a bunch of reasons really. About the boy for example. Even though I want to share every great detail about GC and our relationship together, he is a very private person. He doesn't read my blog because he wants it to be my space (I also think this is because he is just a little bit scared of what I'll write about him- like I would ever cast him in anything but the softest and warmest of lights :)), but for that reason, there is no real fear of how he'll respond to my posts. I almost feel however, as if it would be a betrayal to him to let the world in on all the sweet things he says to me or the ways he lets me know he cares.

So does that mean I share none of it? It has always been my nature to share all the details of my happiness, to let every person I know partake in every ounce of my joy. I have never been very good at hiding my feelings. They tend to lie right smack on the center of my very white sleeve for all the world to see. So when GC and I have a tough moment of misunderstanding and he comes back with something awesome that makes me care about him even more, I want to tell the whole world how great he is and how he makes me feel like the cats meow and I'm so glad I swallowed my pride and met him through internet dating. But to him, I think that stuff is considered "private". And then I think to myself, well, he's a big part of my life now. If I can't write about my main squeeze, what can I write about?

And then there are issues of jobs and money and new business ventures. There have been a great many things brewing in this department lately but it wouldn't be fair to my employers, who are also my friends, for me to dish about all that here. And as far as the business ventures go, I am feeling the need to stay mum because every time I blab all my big ideas, something happens to shoot my confidence or change my plans.

So what now? Do I write about things outside my own life? Do I limit the scope of this blog to reactions about politics, the environment, and other non-personal topics like the Beijing Olympic Games being held in a city of smog and movie sets designed to impress the world? Sure, I like to write about that stuff sometimes. After all, I don't live in a bubble. But all the time? Well that sucks.

One of my favorite parts of the blogging community is its ability to unify us through shared experiences. I don't mean people who have gone on vacation together or who have actually met one another, but shared experiences as found in our plight as human beings. We are all more the same I think than we want to admit because admitting it would mean we couldn't carry on in some of the ridiculous ways we do by isolating one another, casting a blind eye to suffering, willfully taking from another human being, using war and the taking of human life as a "solution" to problems.

I love reading about mothers who adore their children but freely admit to not having all the answers. I love discovering the victory of a stand-up-for-yourself moment with another blogger who just experienced it. I love reading how a break-up can tear you apart- not for the suffering, but for the understanding that, as REM put it so eloquently in the late 80's, "everybody hurts, sometimes" I love being a part of that, of knowing that my words and experiences might be having a similar impact on someone a thousand miles away. So what do I do when I feel as if the biggest parts of my life are no-go sections, access denied moments, do not pass go, do not collect $200 experiences? I am not quite sure to be perfectly honest. Some might say, "Well, just stop writing the damn blog. Problem solved". But I know for me, that is not the answer. I love this space too much to give it up so easily. But certainly, if anyone can offer a few pearls of wisdom in this department, I would be forever grateful.

So until next time, when I can find some part of my life that is blog-able, auf wiedersehen.

Holy Crap I'm Growing Up

I have been thinking about the future lately. A lot. I've thought about how sometimes it seems I am getting way behind, missing things, letting myself get sucked into the everyday monotony without moving forward.

I've thought about my professional life, the job I'm at and the job I want and if those two things are the same.

I've thought about my emotional life, and how the love I have now and love I hope for in the next phase of my life is going to be different.

I've thought about the town I live and if it's a place I can see myself for a while.

I've thought about school and whether or not now is the right time to go back.

I've thought about what it's really going to take to get Trinabags off the ground.

I've thought about how much I miss my friends and family sometimes, and how I wish everyday that I could hug my mom, shoot the shit with my friends, or ask advice from my older sister, face to face.

I'm in my 20's man, 24 to be exact. And in the next 5 years a whole lot of things are going to change. Some changes might be expected, and some might be totally out of left field. But they're going to change.

In the process of thinking about all these things, I decided to take a quick look at where I've been in the hopes of seeing more clearly where I should go. Where better to look than the history books of my college career. I dusted off my resume, re-read some creative writing shorts (which I thought were much better then than I do now) and went over some simple assignments I had received from an incredible professor.

One of those assignments was a 5 year and 10 year list of life goals, found below, unedited.

Five Year Goals:
• Graduate with honors from the University of Mary Washington
• Buy a car
• Find a job (preferably one I like, but I am willing to work a crap job for a little while until I figure things out)
• Decide whether or not I want to go to graduate school and apply accordingly
• Be able to pay all my own bills
• Move out of my parents house
• Go to Ireland
• Save some money, if possible, start investing in some kind of 401K
• Continue making artwork, no matter what, even if it is made of the cheapest materials imaginable
• Have work in a non-academic exhibition

Ten Year Goals:
• Own a small business/ gallery
• Own a home
• Have received my graduate degree if that is the course I choose
• Have a developed and mature portfolio
• Have exhibitions/residencies/grant opportunities
• Be married or on that track (family is very important to me)
• Have some money invested for retirement etc.
• Have a feeling of success, regardless of income
• Travel to several foreign countries and see a large amount of the USA
• Write a book
• Maintain my work ethic and determination
• Enjoy where I am at



And here again, with a little editing:

Five Year Goals:
• Graduate with honors from the University of Mary Washington- CHECK!
• Buy a car- CHECK!
• Find a job (preferably one I like, but I am willing to work a crap job for a little while until I figure things out)- CHECK!
• Decide whether or not I want to go to graduate school and apply accordingly- CHECK!
• Be able to pay all my own bills- CHECK!
• Move out of my parents house- CHECK!
• Go to Ireland- SORT OF CHECK- WENT TO ROME INSTEAD
• Save some money, if possible, start investing in some kind of 401K- CHECK!
• Continue making artwork, no matter what, even if it is made of the cheapest materials imaginable- CHECK!
• Have work in a non-academic exhibition- CHECK!

Ten Year Goals:
• Own a small business/ gallery- CHECK! (THE BUSINESS PART)
• Own a home- NOT JUST YET
• Have received my graduate degree if that is the course I choose- NOT THE COURSE FOR NOW
• Have a developed and mature portfolio- GETTING THERE
• Have exhibitions/residencies/grant opportunities- CHECK!
• Be married or on that track (family is very important to me)- I REFUSE TO COMMENT FOR THOSE WITH CURIOUS MINDS, IT'S MUCH TOO SOON TO PONDER
• Have some money invested for retirement etc.- CHECK!
• Have a feeling of success, regardless of income- KINDA
• Travel to several foreign countries and see a large amount of the USA- ON THE WAY!
• Write a book- YOU NEED FREE TIME FOR THAT, IT CURRENTLY DOESN'T EXIST
• Maintain my work ethic and determination- CHECK!
• Enjoy where I am at- MOST OF THE TIME


I have to say, it was an awesome thing to find. Not only has it been just 3 years since I wrote that list, but I am almost completely done with the first list and starting on the second. There is nothing like a little self-written affirmation that despite what might seem like a lack of progress, you're always moving forward.

I guess the lesson here is that so long as you're ever-seeking to better yourself, to grow, to find new ways of dealing with old problems, life will happen as it should, or better put, as it is meant to happen. Not all things that have happened to me since I graduated college have been great. In fact, a lot of things have sucked, hardcore. But they got me here, to where I am right now in this very moment.

Some things on this list will never get crossed off. I'll add new things as my needs and dreams change, and I'll bet there will probably be a few I'll happily remove for the very same reason. Every day it seems something else reminds me of the lovely evolution that is life, the combined moments and lessons along the way that somehow make for a life. I guess the responsibility left to me is to notice each day, each phase, each lesson, and to forgive myself the inevitable screw ups I manage to find myself in. After all, they might be just the piece of the puzzle necessary to check off another goal.