Snow days

Snow days as a grown up aren't quite what they used to be, are they? You still have to go to work. You're required to navigate your way through snowy terrain in a less than perfectly equipped Honda Civic (though all the while priding yourself in your stellar abilities to work "with" the snow/ice/slush). Now it's your job to clear the sidewalks in front of you house, sadly without the thought of dinner being hot on the table when you get inside to push you on, you'll have to make that too if you want it. No, it's not all pajamas and daytime TV , sledding and hot cocoa. It's a cold world out there.

But still, I'd be lying to if I called these snow filled-days in Upstate, NY a downer. Even in the depths of winter when the mutual vitamin D deficient population yearns for spring and sunshine, they are magical. From my office window, it's as if I am living in a snow globe paradise, so heavily is the snow falling and swirling.

Tonight, I'll engage in a lovely, snowflakes on eye lashes walk with my husband wearing my biggest and baddest "winter in the Northeast" ensemble; knee length down jacket, leather fur-lined bomber hat, wool gloves, scarf, and snow boots (don't be fooled, it's a hot look). Tomorrow, I'll carry my dancing shoes in hand (really, who would try to walk in strappy heels through a blizzard!) and then dance the night away at a Mad Men themed gala (you better believe I'm dressing up and wearing a bouffant!) On Sunday, I'll petition heavily for a outdoor cross country skiing romp through the near by park. And then? Then I'll make myself a grown up hot cocoa (dark chocolate, milk, and a shot of... something!) and a dinner fit for royalty (aka me and my tolerant-of-cooking whims, husband).

Who needs a snow day :)

Personal History

It's easy when you're busy living life to forget, to forget you've been building a history. I am pretty terrible when it comes to always looking for something more, something better, for diminishing the experience of my now by calling it not good enough. Not good enough for what, and for who? I have this inner voice in me, always calling out to impress, forgetting that it's not the accomplishment on paper or in remembered legend, but the way the moments that made up that accomplishment or legend made you feel and that you allowed that feeling to flood your heart uninhibited.

I have been brought back lately to a not so distant past called college by two events in quick succession, the first being an email from a dear friend reminding me of a treasured trip to Tybee Island G.A., and the second the need to open my old computer filled with pictures, assignments, and music from my college years. These two events have left me feeling both glad to have had those times in my life, and sad because I can never have them again.

It's a hard lesson to learn when you're looking back and remembering both the joys and fears present at one time in your life, and regretting that you allowed so many fears, and held back so much for the sake of responsibility or for fear of screwing up royally. In reality, I have been so far from screwing up royally, it's laughable.

I have always played it safe, always. I am not a risk taker and it has stopped me from really going after many things in life. Fortunately for me, I was on a "Trina, you can do anything!" self-motivating kick when I met GC and I had the balls to not only tell him I liked him, but to fall in love with him as myself, and no one else. Despite his utter lack of patience in almost every other realm of life, with me, his patience is epic. He tolerates all my fears, and even tells me I'm not crazy, and always that I am good enough, good enough for anything and everything. And when I'm at my lowest and most vulnerable, he is at his most tender, recognizing that a hug held a few seconds longer, or a kiss on the forehead, or the simple act of a hand on my lower back does wonders to make me feel loved and to push me through my current struggle.

So, one point for going after important things.

But it's a constant battle for me to recognize the good, even when I feel I am trying my hardest. It is one step forward two steps back with my fears. Case in point, a recent "situation" involved me panicking for no less than a month about the possibility of being pregnant. To make it clear, I am not trying to have a baby at the moment. Not by a long shot. In fact, the thought of it, at least until about a week ago, struck fear in my heart so deep I turned into a blubbering mess on my honeymoon at the shear thought!

Somewhere along the way, the thought of an unplanned pregnancy entered my mind as one of the most terrible things I could inflict upon myself. I think it has something to do with shame, shame for having let so many people down who had such plans for my life (that did not include a baby out of wedlock or at a young age) and shame for myself that I could possibly let such a thing happen. So to say I play it on the safe side is an underestimation of epic proportions when it comes to birth control for me.

When a case of strep throat hit not 5 days before my tropical honeymoon in Jamaica, the thought of antibiotics and an OC not mixing so well immediately dominated my brain waves. Suffice to say, not the best way to enter into a honeymoon. But who wants to be a debbie downer on their honeymoon? Not me. So take my OC I did, and that was about it.

If thinking could cause spontaneous pregnancy, I would be bearing triplets at the moment, so constantly were the fears running through my mind that I might be pregnant. And it stayed like that until just a few days ago when despite my certainty of pregnancy, nature told me it wasn't the case this time. And you know what? Though I was most definitely relieved, I was also a little disappointed.

That got me thinking, "Why the hell am I always freaking out about shit that isn't necessarily a bad thing?" Why would becoming pregnant now be so horrible. I am married and happy in a loving, committed relationship. I could provide for a baby financially and emotionally, being mature enough at this point in my life to feel confident I wouldn't be anymore risk to a child than your average loving parent with a good head on her shoulders. So what's the big deal? It would be ok, and in time, once I wrapped my head around it, it would be great.

And that got me thinking some more, "Why wouldn't that same principle apply to the other areas of my life where my fears blind me?" Maybe it can. Maybe I admit I am a worst case scenario thinker, allow myself to panic for a few minutes, and then put that aside and act on the positive, the "What the hell, what's the worst that can happen?" mentality.

Maybe I can. I can choose what my life is and what it's to become. I can choose to focus on the happy and positive, to be present in the present and not always looking down the road for every possible speed bump.

I think I'll give that a try, because really, who wants to look back and regret feeling afraid? This year, I'll pray for courage to face myself and accept all my Trina-isms. For better or worse. If I'm lucky, I might just find I've got all I really need already, and it's all about attitude and a willingness to change for the better, not because I'm not good enough to begin with, but because to change is to grow and know thyself better. Who can argue with that.

A Fresh Look

"Your soul is two tigers. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The one that grows, is the one you feed"

A fresh new look for the Turning Page to go hand-in-hand with my fresh new outlook on life. It all starts with baby steps, and one by one, I'm heading in a new direction, a direction laced with positive thinking and a "can do" attitude. No more failing to believe in myself or being too afraid of falling on my face to try. You can waste a life that way.

I don't want to look back on these years of youth and vigor, having no daring stories to share or experiences to draw from. I want to live, fully. My soul longs for freedom from my own self doubt. So I'm changing my tune, because sometimes, when you face just one act you truly fear, even if handled without quite the grace you imagined, you realize you have the courage to face so much more, that you are stronger than you think, that all you lack is the decision to act.

It's time to act. It's time to feed the tiger.

Like a kid at Christmas!

It's here! My mini-laptop is here! Words cannot express how happy I am to have my own little machine dedicated nearly exclusively to the writing of blog post, trolling of Facebook, and other completely non-work related internet based activities. Oh! The joy!

Long have I craved freedom from desktop cords and carefree trips to coffee shops and libraries, parks and airports with a laptop in hand. I know this isn't new technology for most of you folks out there, but for me it is heaven in a 10.1" screen. Here, take a look at my new best friend (sorry husband. if it's any consolation, I'll still turn to you for kisses :))

Let the blogging/mindless searching/trailer watching BEGIN!

Fall *sigh*

And by *sigh* I mean,

"Fall, I am in love with you; with the romantic chill you throw so delicately into fading sunlit afternoons; with your amber-hued palette; with tweed and leather; with your wild, thrilling excitement of back to school. Fall, I covet your 2010 J. Crew womens' clothing collection, and your plum colored eye shadow. The taste of your cinnamon tea is a happy departure from the lightness of Spring's soft green. Fall, so happy am I to don your olive green skirt, and to rediscover the feel of cashmere against my skin. My tailored coat collection politely requested this morning, that I thank you for the breezes and pink cheeks that have brought them back to relevance. And Fall, one more thing. This year, let last the brilliance of your burnt umber and titian, your russet and bronze colored leaves set ablaze with sunshine illuminated skin, just a few weeks longer."

Your's truly with affection,
Trina

Off the Market

It's official folks, I'm a married woman. And just last night, I was reminded yet again of why GC is so totally awesome. He completely, 100% supports me. He doesn't just support the things I do, the decisions I make, or the dreams I have for the future, but he supports me, Trina. He supports my scared-to-risks mentality and my sometimes-prone-to-wallow tendency. He supports my good moods and my bad, my smiles and my tears, my heart when it's wounded and my body when it's tired. He supports everything about me, not because of anything I could do or accomplish, (though he seems to think me capable of nearly anything I set my mind to) but because he loves me. Plain and simple. I think, I might be the luckiest girl on the planet.

We're down to days!

43 days in fact! With each passing day, I am one step closer to MRS. Very weird. I have really loved the whole wedding process, probably due to the fact that it plays up my strengths, planning, crafting, planning, writing neatly, planning, more crafting...

Apart from all the planning, I have also been prepping myself emotionally for marriage (seemed like a good thing to do), and for what it means to be commit yourself to one person, forever and ever. At first I was scared. But I learned to trust. Now, as the day approaches and the reasons to be stressed increase exponentially, I am frequently shocked by the (strangely pleasant) voices in my head.

Instead of the brainwaves veering down "crazy road" which usually ends with me in an emotional state of self-loathing, they have gently pushed me back on the, "relax you're getting married. It won't matter if the (insert wedding detail) doesn't get completed, or if you have a zit, of if you don't reach that super critical 5 lb. weight loss goal. You're marrying GC, you love him, and life at the moment, really couldn't be better" straight and narrow. It's a startlingly refreshing state of mind.

The details will work themselves out. The people we love will be there, and for any family drama, I've got my sisters and bridesmaids to pass out the cocktails and tell everyone to relax already. If that doesn't work, they are also accomplished (but very sexy) bouncers and will kick those asses to the curb!

For the next several weeks, it will be nothing but parties (like this lovely shower thrown by my future sister-in-law)...

Mini-craft projects with my mom and friends...

Dress fittings... (no peeking until the big day!)

Makeup and hair fun (see entertaining in-progress picture below)...

And other really fun, wedding related activities :)

Happy 4th of July to you all!