A Matter of Trust

"Mawidge. Mawidge is what bwings us toogeva, tooday," (a quote from one of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride).

Ain't that the truth. Marriage has for all time, been one of the primary forms of unity among humans. Marriage has brought together empires, warring nations, feuding families, friends, lovers, persons unknown, and sometimes, cousins (eew). Marriage is heated topic in popular discourse these days. The semantics of the term and its "meaning" have created a huge debate over what is ultimately an expression of love, regardless of which side of the coin you fall. Call it what you want, I think there are few who enter into a lifelong union with malice in their hearts.

That said, marriage and the act of choosing a life partner has also found its way into the intimate corners of my heart and daily thoughts, being just three months away from entering the wedded state myself.

Our families are already beginning to merge, even before the vows are spoken. GC's older sister welcomed her first child earlier this year and I am now referred to as "Aunt Trina". SO weird. Our parents make efforts to know each other and to include our future spouses in family plans. Together, GC and I have bought a house and have begun to set up shop.

Despite this natural progression toward unity, engagement, for me, brought with it some challenging moments. There were cliche struggles; setting up house and combining life belongings and habits; selecting wedding details; finding the sweet spot of standing up for oneself in a fight and learning when to just shut up (this one will, I imagine, be a perpetual balancing act). The biggest challenge however has been one grounded in trust.

Since becoming engaged, I have often been asked whether or not I am "sure". This question has on numerous occasions driven me to some obsessive "Am I sure??" moments. GC has patiently stood by my side as I have wrangled with this, always reminding me that there is no perfect relationship, no perfect union, only the choice to look at someone you love and choose happiness, despite the hard parts along the way.

My struggle is a one of trust. Do I love GC? Absolutely. I have known that for a long time. Marriage however, is about so much more than loving someone, it's about trusting them to love you in return. I have no trouble loving GC. In fact, I am thrilled to my toes to make him happy, to show him everyday in word and gesture that he can trust me, that his heart will always be safe in my hands because I could never do anything to knowingly harm him. I know he trusts me, he's told me so, and that makes me happier than I can express.

My issue is allowing GC to love me in the same way and to trust that when I give him my heart, he'll hold it with the utmost care. Despite my efforts to be strong and brave and perfectly composed, my heart is my weakness. I know deep down that it is not strong, that if I really give it to someone, they have the power to crush me. For me, marriage, and the giving of oneself to another cannot be complete without that willingness to give him who I'll call my husband, my whole heart, even the scared/timid/easily breakable part, and trusting that even though he could break it, that he could crush me, he won't, because he loves me as much as I love him.

So am I sure? Yes. To give up what I have with GC, because I am scared of having my heart broken would be a mistake of epic proportions. When GC and I stand facing each other, I will be able to say to him, "Here it is, my heart. It's a little messy, and sometimes confused, but it is ardent in its love for you, and it's going to try to the best of its ability to let you love it and let you in to of all its tenderest places. Why? Because even though it's scared, it trusts you, and it loves you. Take good care of it now, from here on out, it belongs to you."