She may not have used the best judgement when she shaved her head, married K-Fed, or when she chose that silver, skin tight cat suit for her music video, but let me just say, with the whole, "not a girl, not yet a woman" thing, she sort of hit the nail on the head.
Granted, the song is lame, but the sentiment is definitely understood. I think it happens all the time, people getting stuck in between life paths and phases. No one really wants to admit it, because who wants to admit not knowing where they are in life, but I for one, freely and proudly admit it. Trina: Not a girl, not yet a woman.
I am sure almost everyone who knows me would say otherwise. I tend to give off a very "I've got it all under control" attitude, but deep down, I've got one foot stuck in girlhood and the other somewhere on the outskirts of womanland. I do adult things, I pay bills, and have a 9-5er. I cook all my own food, I do all my own laundry, I have a retirement fund and "People" to manage it. And not that I wish an unfortunate anonymous death upon myself, (and I know this is kind of morbid and probably the result of too many crime tv shows) but if CSI investigators found me in some remote location, I would be classified as an adult female, 5'9" 162 lbs. ADULT. On paper, I certainly fit the bill.
I have always had an overly keen sense of responsibilty, at times causing me to miss out on some positive risk taking, but I can't seem to think of myself as a "woman". The term comes equipped with so much weight, like I should have to accomplish great things in order to deserve it. The term "Woman" holds a lot of power. This isn't a feminist statement or a petition to change the langauge so it is more gender neutral, just a fact. The term "Man" when applied to an individual male holds a lot of power too. To be a "Man" in my mind anyway, you have to build things, cook outdoors, make fire, play rugged sports, be a sex machine.... hehe, you thought I was serious there for a minute and all the "male social stereo-type" hairs on your head stood on end. Don't worry, to be a "Man" means so much more than an ability to wield an ax or a throw a football as some might have you believe. To deserve the term, I think a guy needs to be able to take responsiblity for his actions, own his strengths, and his weakness, treat all individuals with respect, be able to compromise, go after the things he wants in life, stand up for himself and those that can't stand up for themselves, be willing to admit there are things that scare him, but have the courage to stand up to those fears. And I think pretty much all those same things apply to the term "Woman". No pressure or anything.
But despite what might seem like unrealistic expectations, I don't think it is wrong to expect things of people, or of myself. It's like grading... a lot of teachers these days will give you an "A" for fulfilling the requirements of an assignment. But in reality, you deserve a "C" : average work, you fulfilled the requirements, no more, no less. An "A" means you went well above and beyond, you busted your ass, you made an effort and accomplished excellence. Maybe the expecations I have for myself are too high, and I will only deem myself a "woman" when I have faced all my fears and boldly gone where no Trina has gone before.
Maybe it will be more like my counselor said a while back, (yes I see a counselor from time to time, I highly recommend it, it helps you get some perspective and learn to help yourself... geez I sound like a self help book) "Becoming a woman is less of a sudden realization and more of a gradual progression. You'll find yourself talking to someone who may be older than you, but you'll decide, 'yeah, I'm an adult, I am on equal footing with you.' and then you'll be talking to someone else and feel like a kid again. This process will keep on repeating until the times you feel like an adult start to outnumber the times your feel like a kid. And one day, you'll look up, and suddenly there you'll be, an adult."
Or perhaps it will be a combination of the two, because I can't imagine I will stop having high expectations of myself, I will probably edge my way into adulthood through the my "go-getter" experiences and the lessons I learn from my successes and failures along the way, floating back and forth from kidville to womanland, until I find safe harbor somewhere in adulthood.
As for right now though, still not a girl, and still not quite a woman. Oh well, I'll keep you posted if there are any new developments.
1 comment:
I'll never forget going to show a picture to a relative in her 70's and having her say to me, "Oh, please, don't show me that! I have no idea who that old lady with all the wrinkles is." Sitting on the front end of 30 I see new things all the time that make me wince - a wrinkle here, a shift in the au natural scheme of things if you get my bustical gist- this whole aging thing, whether we are talking maturity or appearance, it isn't something we control. I think you try to maintain a certain pace that mirrors the years of your age, but damn, there's no map, no guide book, just this kind of hollow platitude that millions have done it before you. From here you are doing a magnificent job. And the only wisdom I have - Have fun and be just, to yourself and to others.
Great blog.
You should go check out katronika.blogspot.com she is at a similar stage in life and does a lot of musing aloud, though you take the cake for giving your death stats.
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