I happened upon this poem, hidden in the depths of my Flash Drive and thought I would put it up here for a little bit of a critique. Any thoughts?
"The Taste of Salt"
Blue snow left water inching its way
up the back of my leg, soaking faded denim.
Slivers of frost, drifting and swirling, slipped
between the curls of my hair as you
ran eager fingers through it. I lost myself.
Whirling, I danced with you in a winter wind,
until the lines of my body
curved like the snow
bent against the side of this house.
My guileless dreams materialized at your touch.
I didn't know to suffer the crisp bite of your lips,
or the ice-splintered words of your tongue.
The warmth of your eyes steamed in my own.
Your melting rays blurred rose-colored vision
and confused a young and searching heart.
But this morning, I woke chilled,
covered in blankets
unable to replace the heat you stole.
I saw a dry line of salt at the heel of my jeans,
and understood. The salt was you, a stinging substitute
[hidden all the time in dark snowy waters]
for the seducing thought of "could be".
2 comments:
you want honest thoughts? it's interesting, but i'm not in love with it. it seems to keep going beyond a natural end, though i'm not entirely positive where that end is. i think maybe at "bent against the side of this house." it starts dragging after that, in my reading of it.
the language is wonderful, though, and the line breaks flow well, too. there are a lot of great phrases here, my favorite being, "I danced with you in a winter wind." lovely. :)
(also, hope you're not upset that i didn't just leave it with happy compliments. when people ask for my thoughts on a piece of writing, i generally give it for better or worse.)
Lara,
Thanks for the honest response. It is just the kind of stuff I am looking for. Without my creative writing workshop keeping me in line, I have a tendency to ramble. And unless you told me I was ugly or something in a critique of my art or writing, I would never take offense to anything you had to say. Listening to other opinions and viewpoints is one of the only ways I can really push my work. So thanks :)
Post a Comment