To all my loyal readers out there, my pre- New Year post, I'll admit, was something of a tease. Sorry about that. It hinted at an unraveling of composure, very out of character for me. I have thought long and hard about whether or not to elaborate on this. I have started a couple different posts which go in one direction or the other, and what I have finally decided, is that providing a little more information is only fair.
To start, I should first say, I have come to a point in my life where I have realized I need to stop trying to make everything ok, stop trying to make Trina the constantly happy go-lucky, smile on her face, never misses a beat girl I have tried so heroically to pageant for all the world to see.
Without going into all the tricky and tearful specifics, my Christmas Eve meltdown happened because I keep the keys to my heart too deeply buried and the protective walls surrounding it far too fortified. It happened because I hardly ever allow anyone to see the bruises I hold close to my soul, the unsightly emotions of sadness and loneliness, of self-doubt, uncertainty, and confusion about who I am and what the future holds for me.
I don't share these things, not even with close friends and family. If I do happen to say something regarding areas of my life that are less than perfect, I do so in an intellectual or humorous way. I remain detached from it, because one little drop of emotion would break the flood gates and scare off a lot of people. "That Trina, she's kinda crazy huh?"
I rationalize this by telling myself it is not good to dwell- what can it possibly accomplish but to depress me. And so I have put on my happy face, made the most of what I do have in my life. I am learning however (through nights like the one I just had), that to hide half an emotional life, to smother complicated feelings because they will only make things uncomfortable for myself and those around me is equally dangerous.
Please don't read this as "Trina is miserable and really good at feeling sorry for herself" I am not miserable, far from it. And although I do occasionally feel sorry for myself, I try to work through it and move on. I really am a happy person most of the time. My cheery disposition, it's genuine, I promise. It is my nature to see the best in every situation, and in every person, to strive for continual betterment of myself and the world around me. What I am trying to say I guess, is that there are parts of my life that suck, and I am learning it is not a failure to admit that.
It is no secret that I have had my struggles in the dating arena. Perhaps "struggles" is not the way to phrase it, complete lack of interest by any "y" chromosome would be more accurate. Despite this however, I have tried really really REALLY hard, to be ok with it, because deep down, I know I am a worthwhile person. I have blamed my perpetual singledom on circumstance- the fact that I went to a college where the male female ratio was 3 guys to every 7 girls (not great odds), and in high school, I can honestly admit that I just wasn't ready to date. But in the time since college, I have held this vision of coming into my own. The people around me would magically realize I had arrived. A year has gone by and nothing. Nothing at all.
I have known my entire life that I am not a hook-up kind of girl. Not only does it have absolutely no appeal for me as a form of fun, but I am just incapable of it, even if I wanted to be that person. I feel far too deeply to randomly choose some guy to keep me entertained until I find one worth keeping. My heart is too valuable to be given so freely, and so instead, I have waited. Waited patiently. Waited hopefully. But you can only wait so long before the inevitable darkness creeps in. You begin to wonder if the damage caused by a lack of heartbreak is not more enduring than the alternative. You fear becoming damaged goods not because you have been beat up, but because you haven't, you have just sat on the shelf until your expiration date has come and gone without one person noticing.
So what's next? I suppose my next step is trying to solve this problem. I am not exactly sure how to do that, (advice would certainly be accepted in this matter). I am not asking for sympathy, this is more a chance for me to get things off my chest than anything. I suppose at some point I should allow other people to take care of me. As hard as that may be for me, it would probably help in the long run.
Oh, and PS I promise my next post won't be such a downer, I have a good story cookin' that has a pretty comical ending I think you'll enjoy :)
2 comments:
Trina...we met briefly last Thursday, I am the "Amy you've heard so much about"...I just have to say that I was in your shoes not too long ago. Alone and lonely in NYC, so badly wanting to be in love and share the excitement of city-livin'. I had a few dates here and there but nothing magical, nothing special until I was on the cusp of 27 and living in Saratoga. I found this man, we fell in love so fast and then my father died all in the matter of weeks. Funny how you wait and wait and wait and then bam it all happens at once. and it happened at the right time, he was there to pick up the pieces for me. (sorry this is all about me! not my intention) I guess what I'm trying to say in this long-ass comment is that things happen when you least expect them (trite I know!), I had given up on the love thing. I decided I needed to live life for me, and started to just focus on myself, and then he materialized. Now I wish I could go back and have a sit-down with that lonely NYC girl and tell her it's all going to be okay, it's going to work out. You can't make it happen, but it's going to happen. I hope that helped, maybe?
and PS. It's nice to meet you! :)
Amy's right, Trina. As impossible as it may sound, I promise you that the moment that you stop trying so hard - the moment you just accept - really, truly accept that you are single and that is OK, things will change. And all of THIS... this wondering, thinking, growing, understanding yourself, figuring out who you are... all of it is going to make the relationship you someday find yourself a part of THAT MUCH BETTER. I truly believe that, and you should too :)
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