Trying to be a grown up

There have been a lot of times in the last 5 months where I have learned something entirely new about myself, some things good, some things not so good, but all stemming from the reality of my relationship with GC an it being my first relationship. Not my first "real" relationship or my first "grown up" relationship, (though it is both real and grown up), but my very first, nothing before it, no experience to draw from, not even a lame middle school relationship, relationship.

To say that I have been flying by the seat of my pants is an exception of massive proportions. I have no freakin' idea what I am doing most of the time. I have trusted fully in my gut, and 98% of the time, things between GC and I have evolved naturally and in a very positive direction. We have a blast when we're together, even if we're just watching TV or playing a game. He makes me laugh, and I like to think I make him laugh. And we care about each other, he doesn't mind just holding me for a while, and I love how he melts into a pool of released muscle tension and stress when I rub his head. He thinks about me when we're apart, remembering an off-hand comment I made about not being able to use hand sanitizing gels because it makes the eczema on my hands burn and going out of his way to find a natural, non-alcohol sanitizing spray. If that's not thoughtful I don't know what is. And I sure as heck think about him (it distracting, let me tell you).

So the other night when my feelings got hurt, I was unsure of how to respond. I became silent and walked away. He knew immediately that I was unhappy about something and followed me, realizing he'd hurt my feelings I think, and began apologizing. Though I accepted his apology and we talked about it a little, how I am more sensitive than I sometimes let on, yadda yadda, I never felt the issue was fully addressed. Things went back to normal, we went out that night and had a really good time, we hung out at his parents the next day, and I have enjoyed being with him, not feeling mad or really even all that hurt anymore, I got over the "ouch", so to speak.

But being the obsessive that I am, I have dwelt on why I had the reaction I did since Saturday, wondering how to fix it. I made a vow to myself when I got into this that I wasn't going to let a lack of communication be the cause of relationship downfall, especially since this has started off so well. I thought we could talk about it over a walk last night, but when he got tied up with his son Julius Ceasar (not his real name, obviously, but the name of his favorite book), I decided to write an email.

It wasn't an attack email, or an "I'm mad at you because you hurt me" email. It was just a "this is how I am feeling" email. I didn't ask for a long response, I even said that I didn't expect one, i just wanted him to know why it hurt so in the future, he's aware of my tender spots, the spots that when bruised have a pretty big impact.

I have never wanted to be the girl that is overly emotional, because honestly, I don't think I am. I have emotions of course, but as a rule they tend to be even keel and not easily excitable. I'm not dramatic and don't want to be that stereotypical girlfriend that is constantly wanting to discuss my "feelings". That said however, I also don't want to be the kind of person that buries hurt because it is not always easy to talk about. I'd rather just get it on the table and deal with it than have it fester and build into a resentment that is much harder to heal. So I wrote an email. An email might be lame, it might be a copout, and it might be contrary to all dating advice, but it's what I did. And I feel better for having done it.

I haven't heard back from him yet, and to say I'm not a little anxious about it would be a lie. I am anxious because this is the first time I have ever done this, told someone I cared about in this way how I am feeling. But I guess it is better than the alternative, continued dwelling. Cause man, dwelling is exhausting. And I would rather just get back to where we left off last night, even after all this happened, right at great. I always want it to be at great, even if "great" doesn't always mean easy. So I guess an email is a step in the right direction.