Tricky, very tricky

So after another month of silence, I have finally decided what I want to write about; all the things I can't write about. It seems to be the trend lately that bloggers across the country have fallen victim to, the blessing and the curse that are our readers. For the record, I love when people read my blog, and I love it even more when they post comments. What I have been struggling with lately however, is all the many many things I wish I could post on this blog, and all the reasons I can't share a damn bit of it.

There are a bunch of reasons really. About the boy for example. Even though I want to share every great detail about GC and our relationship together, he is a very private person. He doesn't read my blog because he wants it to be my space (I also think this is because he is just a little bit scared of what I'll write about him- like I would ever cast him in anything but the softest and warmest of lights :)), but for that reason, there is no real fear of how he'll respond to my posts. I almost feel however, as if it would be a betrayal to him to let the world in on all the sweet things he says to me or the ways he lets me know he cares.

So does that mean I share none of it? It has always been my nature to share all the details of my happiness, to let every person I know partake in every ounce of my joy. I have never been very good at hiding my feelings. They tend to lie right smack on the center of my very white sleeve for all the world to see. So when GC and I have a tough moment of misunderstanding and he comes back with something awesome that makes me care about him even more, I want to tell the whole world how great he is and how he makes me feel like the cats meow and I'm so glad I swallowed my pride and met him through internet dating. But to him, I think that stuff is considered "private". And then I think to myself, well, he's a big part of my life now. If I can't write about my main squeeze, what can I write about?

And then there are issues of jobs and money and new business ventures. There have been a great many things brewing in this department lately but it wouldn't be fair to my employers, who are also my friends, for me to dish about all that here. And as far as the business ventures go, I am feeling the need to stay mum because every time I blab all my big ideas, something happens to shoot my confidence or change my plans.

So what now? Do I write about things outside my own life? Do I limit the scope of this blog to reactions about politics, the environment, and other non-personal topics like the Beijing Olympic Games being held in a city of smog and movie sets designed to impress the world? Sure, I like to write about that stuff sometimes. After all, I don't live in a bubble. But all the time? Well that sucks.

One of my favorite parts of the blogging community is its ability to unify us through shared experiences. I don't mean people who have gone on vacation together or who have actually met one another, but shared experiences as found in our plight as human beings. We are all more the same I think than we want to admit because admitting it would mean we couldn't carry on in some of the ridiculous ways we do by isolating one another, casting a blind eye to suffering, willfully taking from another human being, using war and the taking of human life as a "solution" to problems.

I love reading about mothers who adore their children but freely admit to not having all the answers. I love discovering the victory of a stand-up-for-yourself moment with another blogger who just experienced it. I love reading how a break-up can tear you apart- not for the suffering, but for the understanding that, as REM put it so eloquently in the late 80's, "everybody hurts, sometimes" I love being a part of that, of knowing that my words and experiences might be having a similar impact on someone a thousand miles away. So what do I do when I feel as if the biggest parts of my life are no-go sections, access denied moments, do not pass go, do not collect $200 experiences? I am not quite sure to be perfectly honest. Some might say, "Well, just stop writing the damn blog. Problem solved". But I know for me, that is not the answer. I love this space too much to give it up so easily. But certainly, if anyone can offer a few pearls of wisdom in this department, I would be forever grateful.

So until next time, when I can find some part of my life that is blog-able, auf wiedersehen.