I have been brought back lately to a not so distant past called college by two events in quick succession, the first being an email from a dear friend reminding me of a treasured trip to Tybee Island G.A., and the second the need to open my old computer filled with pictures, assignments, and music from my college years. These two events have left me feeling both glad to have had those times in my life, and sad because I can never have them again.
It's a hard lesson to learn when you're looking back and remembering both the joys and fears present at one time in your life, and regretting that you allowed so many fears, and held back so much for the sake of responsibility or for fear of screwing up royally. In reality, I have been so far from screwing up royally, it's laughable.
I have always played it safe, always. I am not a risk taker and it has stopped me from really going after many things in life. Fortunately for me, I was on a "Trina, you can do anything!" self-motivating kick when I met GC and I had the balls to not only tell him I liked him, but to fall in love with him as myself, and no one else. Despite his utter lack of patience in almost every other realm of life, with me, his patience is epic. He tolerates all my fears, and even tells me I'm not crazy, and always that I am good enough, good enough for anything and everything. And when I'm at my lowest and most vulnerable, he is at his most tender, recognizing that a hug held a few seconds longer, or a kiss on the forehead, or the simple act of a hand on my lower back does wonders to make me feel loved and to push me through my current struggle.
So, one point for going after important things.
But it's a constant battle for me to recognize the good, even when I feel I am trying my hardest. It is one step forward two steps back with my fears. Case in point, a recent "situation" involved me panicking for no less than a month about the possibility of being pregnant. To make it clear, I am not trying to have a baby at the moment. Not by a long shot. In fact, the thought of it, at least until about a week ago, struck fear in my heart so deep I turned into a blubbering mess on my honeymoon at the shear thought!
Somewhere along the way, the thought of an unplanned pregnancy entered my mind as one of the most terrible things I could inflict upon myself. I think it has something to do with shame, shame for having let so many people down who had such plans for my life (that did not include a baby out of wedlock or at a young age) and shame for myself that I could possibly let such a thing happen. So to say I play it on the safe side is an underestimation of epic proportions when it comes to birth control for me.
When a case of strep throat hit not 5 days before my tropical honeymoon in Jamaica, the thought of antibiotics and an OC not mixing so well immediately dominated my brain waves. Suffice to say, not the best way to enter into a honeymoon. But who wants to be a debbie downer on their honeymoon? Not me. So take my OC I did, and that was about it.
If thinking could cause spontaneous pregnancy, I would be bearing triplets at the moment, so constantly were the fears running through my mind that I might be pregnant. And it stayed like that until just a few days ago when despite my certainty of pregnancy, nature told me it wasn't the case this time. And you know what? Though I was most definitely relieved, I was also a little disappointed.
That got me thinking, "Why the hell am I always freaking out about shit that isn't necessarily a bad thing?" Why would becoming pregnant now be so horrible. I am married and happy in a loving, committed relationship. I could provide for a baby financially and emotionally, being mature enough at this point in my life to feel confident I wouldn't be anymore risk to a child than your average loving parent with a good head on her shoulders. So what's the big deal? It would be ok, and in time, once I wrapped my head around it, it would be great.
And that got me thinking some more, "Why wouldn't that same principle apply to the other areas of my life where my fears blind me?" Maybe it can. Maybe I admit I am a worst case scenario thinker, allow myself to panic for a few minutes, and then put that aside and act on the positive, the "What the hell, what's the worst that can happen?" mentality.
Maybe I can. I can choose what my life is and what it's to become. I can choose to focus on the happy and positive, to be present in the present and not always looking down the road for every possible speed bump.
I think I'll give that a try, because really, who wants to look back and regret feeling afraid? This year, I'll pray for courage to face myself and accept all my Trina-isms. For better or worse. If I'm lucky, I might just find I've got all I really need already, and it's all about attitude and a willingness to change for the better, not because I'm not good enough to begin with, but because to change is to grow and know thyself better. Who can argue with that.
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